if you knew these things

Oct 02, 2025

3:18pm

I’m so scared of losing you.

Of fucking this up, like I’ve fucked up all my relationships lately.

The difference is, this time I actually love you.

I haven’t loved someone—truly loved someone—for a long time. Losing them broke me.

I couldn’t risk that pain again. If I never let myself care I could never get hurt.

Then I met you.

Your phone lights up on the nightstand and I force myself not to look.

I notice when you angle your screen away from me.

Every Instagram notification sends me spiraling.

I know there’s nothing there. You wouldn’t do that. My fear wins anyway.

I know how easy the lie seeps out.

I’ve told someone I loved her while planning dates with others.

We started talking when I was still with her;

I’d place my phone face down, tilt my screen away from her, delete your messages between replies.

Our first date was the day after I ended it. I went back to her while you were traveling, one last taste before we became exclusive.

If you knew these things, I’m sure you would leave.

Every word of affection, every declaration of love, every tender moment with you is

infected with guilt.

Infected with suspicion.

I love you so much.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so scared.